15 Questions for Your Partner: The Inner Child Work That Transforms Relationships
Move past surface-level conflict to deep understanding and connection (even when you feel triggered).
In my twelve years as a trauma therapist, I’ve noticed a pattern over and over again. A client comes in to therapy believing they have a communication issue with a partner, but beneath the defensiveness, big reactions, or conflict, what I almost always see is unhealed inner-child wounds.
Beneath your partner's sharp tone, long silence, and built-up resentment lies a younger, more tender part of them, trying to feel seen and heard. Imagine the 7-year-old version of them, sad and angry because nobody understands how they really feel.
The same goes for you.
When we try to improve communication without acknowledging and getting to know these younger parts of ourselves, the same arguments tend to repeat.
I’ll never forget the first big argument my husband and I had in our first year of dating.
While I cannot remember the specifics of the argument topic, I will never forget the way my heart raced and stomach tightened when my then-boyfriend became overwhelmed and began to emotionally withdraw.
This made me so angry!
Why? To put it very simply, my inner child wounds were triggered, and I was terrified he would emotionally abandon me.
And my anger? It triggered his inner child, who had learned to shut down and hide in the presence of anger to find a semblance of safety.
Photo Credit to Alec Kondush, Sculpture “Love” by Alexander Milov
As you can see in the image above, each of us experiences moments when we feel disconnected and unseen by our partners, even as the younger, vulnerable children within us are deeply trying to connect and feel seen.
I have found that many couples lack the tools to understand their partner’s inner child. If you have no idea where to begin, not to worry! I’ve got you.
But first, let’s understand why inner child work is a must in your relationship:
It goes deeper than surface-level communication skills.
I really do love me some “I” statements and active listening; however, these tools do not get to the root of why you or your partner feels abandoned, overwhelmed, or neglected.
It explains the “big reactions.”
When you or your partner has a reaction that seems out of proportion to the issue at hand, it often indicates an inner-child wound being activated. The “big reaction” is often a historic one that needs to be seen with compassion and care.
It allows empathy and relational healing to grow.
When you feel like your partner sees and has deep compassion for your wounded inner child parts, not only will you feel emotionally closer and safer in your relationship, but you will also have more capacity to hold the same space for their wounded inner child parts. This is relational healing!
How asking the inner child questions (below) will deepen your relationship:
You will understand the roots of conflict.
When we begin to understand that our partner’s reactions—like anger, withdrawal, or fear—come from a historic place of protecting themselves to feel most safe, not anything you have done “wrong” in this moment, we can engage from a place of care instead of defensiveness.
You will learn not to take things personally.
Once you understand how to identify and care for your own inner child wounds when you notice a mood shift in your partner—“Are they mad at me?” or “Did I do something wrong?” —and see these reactions as information from a younger, more tender, wounded place they carry under the surface, you are set up for a successful, connected conversation.
*It is important to note that we can understand and have compassion for the roots of someone’s emotional reaction; however, it does not excuse behaviors that are harmful!
You will build deeper compassion and connection.
By sharing your inner-child wounds with your partner, you create a vulnerable environment that feels nurturing and safe. This increases your emotional intimacy and is a surefire way to make your relationship feel warm and cozy.
15 questions to get to know your partner’s inner child
When you and your partner agree to answer these questions, you are taking a beautiful step towards a more emotionally safe relationship where you hold each other’s little self with care.
What brought you joy as a child?
How did you feel most comfortable expressing yourself as a child?
How did your caregivers respond when you were sad, angry, or scared?
Were there parts of yourself you felt like you had to hide as a child?
What moments from childhood felt especially lonely or overwhelming?
What did you most long to hear as a child, but didn’t?
When you are upset with me, is there a younger part of you that gets activated? What does that part feel like, and what does it need from me?
What do you do to protect yourself when you’re feeling unsafe emotionally?
What made you feel soothed as a child when you were having a hard day?
What can I do to help you feel soothed when you're emotionally overwhelmed?
What fears come up when you are debating whether you will tell me how you really feel about something?
What experiences in childhood shaped how you show up in our relationship?
When I react in certain ways, does it remind you of any childhood experiences?
How can I help you feel safe to be vulnerable with me?
How can we both remind each other to show compassion when these tender, younger parts arise?
I invite you to take notes during this conversation! And if you have a partner who might roll their eyes at these questions because they feel a bit too vulnerable or too emotional, validate that feeling! Then, say, “It would really help me to go through these questions. Can you support me in that?”
Maybe you pick one question per day for 15 days—it will make this feel more fun and lighthearted, especially if you have a partner who tends to be more emotionally avoidant.
Which question stands out to you the most? Share in the comments below!