Holidays, Boundaries, & Estrangement, Oh My!
Your Essential Guide to Staying Sane, Holding Boundaries, and Managing Difficult Family Dynamics This Season
Well, here we are! Just like that, the holiday season has officially arrived. You know what that means: The family dynamics are fully charged, ready to ignite with big emotions and even bigger expectations.
If you’re anything like me, your streaming platforms are already demanding that you watch a loop of festive movies, like my personal favorite, The Family Stone, where everyone is either perfectly dysfunctional or perfectly reconciled by Christmas morning. Before you know it, you’re watching your tenth Hallmark Christmas movie, where everything is twinkling lights, the perfect light snowfall, and a small town that needs saving by the girl from the big city!
But if that cozy, cohesive movie scene feels like a complete work of fiction compared to the reality of your own family gatherings, please know you are absolutely not alone.
As you look ahead, maybe your stomach is already doing nervous flips, anticipating those loaded comments and conversations you’d really prefer to dodge. Perhaps your biggest wish is to skip the family tension entirely, but then the guilt rolls in, mixed with the sadness of missing out on traditions. It’s a messy, relatable mix of feelings.
Last month, I asked my community what questions they would like me to talk about in my next Substack post. This group pulled through with the hard-hitting questions that many of us need answered, especially as we approach the holidays!
Let’s dive in, shall we?
How do I set healthy boundaries?
First of all, let’s remember that boundaries are a bridge to connection! They show others how to respect you and what you need, which inevitably makes you feel closer to them.
When assessing whether I need a boundary, I always ask myself, “What would bring me more peace in this situation?” Maybe you can ask yourself, “What do I genuinely need and want right now?” If the thing that would bring me more peace is followed by the fear of someone else’s response, I know it’s boundary-setting time!
The simplest way to explain boundary-setting is this: you will tell someone what you will or will not do. It literally requires nothing of them.
“We cannot attend Christmas Eve this year, but we would be happy to FaceTime instead!”
Or, if you’re really not wanting to entertain a certain topic, you can say:
“If politics are discussed at dinner, I will leave the room.”
For those of us people-pleasers who tend to feel a whole bucket o’ guilt every time we set a boundary, it can be helpful to preface the boundary-setting by validating the emotion you know the other person is likely feeling in response to your boundary. (This is my favorite strategy to keep hard conversations feeling connected!)
“I know this is disappointing to hear, but we will have to leave early.”
“I know it is frustrating that I’ll be away during our busy season, but I need to hold firm on taking my PTO.”
If boundary-setting is hard for you, you can use this mantra to help you move through the discomfort: I prioritize my safety and peace. Their feelings are theirs to hold; my boundary is mine to keep.
How do you determine when it is appropriate to give yourself permission to detach from a parent? Am I just being an ungrateful adult kid?
If you’re wrestling with taking space from a parent, I want you to know something right away: this isn’t coming out of nowhere, and you are not being dramatic. This gut feeling usually results from a lifetime of small, painful moments of emotional misattunements we call relational ruptures.
Think about it: Did you grow up with a parent who just couldn’t quite see or hear you emotionally? Maybe when you felt angry, sad, or frustrated, they didn’t offer that unconditional love and acceptance we all need. Instead, your feelings might have been brushed off, minimized, or just completely ignored. Even worse, perhaps they’ve said or done things that really hurt you, and when you needed them to apologize and truly own it, they never did. They couldn’t or wouldn’t do the work to make things right. When that happens, when your deep emotional needs are constantly unmet, that’s when you realize you need to step back and find some air.
Now, I know what you might hear: “But I did so much for you! I paid for your school! I gave you a roof over your head!” And yes, that stuff is true! They provided materially. But we have to separate that from the emotional reality. You can provide a roof and still be emotionally harmful or absent. The most common, crucial reason adult children start exploring distance is simply that the emotional safety wasn’t there.
I want you to remember, you are always allowed to take space. Taking space doesn’t mean you’re signing a document saying you’re gone forever. It just means you’re taking space today because you desperately need the time and freedom to figure out how you feel and what you need to heal. Sometimes, it involves clearly telling them, “Hey, for our relationship to work, this is what I need from you...” And then you wait and see if they’re willing to listen, show up, and genuinely repair the relationship. If they can’t or won’t meet you there, if they’re not willing to do the work, you are allowed to step back and prioritize your peace.
How do you explain why you are no longer talking to a certain parent after they’ve abused you for years?
This is a profoundly important question, and one I am truly sorry you find yourself navigating. When answering this, the explanation will likely need to shift depending on your audience.
If you are speaking to another adult, be it a friend or family member, I always recommend naming the pattern and speaking the truth directly. You are absolutely allowed to say: “I am actively taking space from my parent because they have not created a safe environment for me to be in a relationship with them. In fact, I am choosing to distance myself from someone who has actively caused me harm for years. I need to protect myself and keep myself safe.”
If you are explaining this decision to a child, the language should be simplified and focused on boundaries and respect. You may say: “If someone cannot treat you with kindness and respect, you are allowed to take space from that person. We are not speaking to my parent right now because they have not treated me with kindness and respect.”
As you move through this holiday season, remember that prioritizing your emotional safety is the ultimate act of self-care. Setting a boundary, whether it’s managing a conversation or taking essential distance, is not an act of rejection; it is an act of self-preservation. You are allowed to protect the peace you’ve worked so hard to find!
Use the following questions for personal reflection as you prepare for the coming weeks:
What is the one boundary I most need to hold firm this holiday season to protect my peace?
Whose disappointment am I most afraid of, and how can I remind myself that their feelings are not my responsibility?
What is one small step I can take today to create a sense of safety and calm in my environment?