The Real Reason Holiday Stress Feels Different (It's Your Nervous System)

Why your body goes into overdrive during the holidays. And what to do about it.

The holiday stress has hit me. Hard.

I’ve been chasing a potty-training toddler, writing the first half of my book, and staying attuned to my full caseload of private clients. Christmas presents have been sitting in my Amazon cart for weeks—I’ve purchased zero. I have an idea for a family Christmas card I want to send, yet I know I won’t get to it for the second year in a row.

I’m worried I am going to show up to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day frustrated with myself—upset that I didn’t plan more traditions and Christmas magic for my son.

I feel this foggy, uncomfortable feeling in my bones.

Maybe you’re feeling a bit of this, too.

It’s not quite anxiety, though there’s definitely some of that. It’s more like a low-grade hum of tension that settles into your chest and shoulders. Your jaw gets tight. Your breath gets shallow. You feel like you’re bracing for something, even when you’re just cleaning your kitchen or scrolling through your Instagram feed.

Maybe you’ve noticed you’re more reactive than usual. If you’re like me, perhaps you realize you’re snapping at your partner over something small, or feeling tears spring up unexpectedly when a holiday commercial comes on. You might find yourself lying awake at 2 AM, mentally calculating travel logistics or rehearsing conversations you haven’t had yet.

Here’s what I want you (and myself) to know: Your body isn’t overreacting. It’s responding exactly as it was designed to.

When Your Nervous System Remembers

The holidays aren’t just emotionally loaded, they’re somatically loaded. That means your body holds memories of every past holiday experience: the tension at the dinner table, the disappointment of unmet expectations, the feeling of walking on eggshells around certain family members.

As trauma researcher Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in his groundbreaking work, “The Body Keeps the Score”, our bodies store emotional experiences in ways our conscious minds don’t always access.

Your nervous system doesn’t differentiate between past and present very well. So when you start feeling anxious trying to find the perfect gift or booking flights home, your body essentially says, “Oh, I remember this. Last time this happened, we needed to be on high alert.”

And just like that, you’re in a stress response, often before you’ve even consciously registered feeling stressed.

This is what Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory calls sympathetic activation, your fight-or-flight mode. Your heart rate increases. Your muscles tense. Your body is literally preparing to either defend itself or run away, even though you’re just sitting on your couch addressing Christmas cards.

For those of us who grew up in homes where we had to constantly monitor the emotional temperature of the room, where we learned to be hypervigilant about keeping the peace or anticipating someone’s mood, the holidays can feel like walking back into that environment, even if we’re adults now with our own lives and boundaries.

Your body remembers the unpredictability. The tension. The feeling of never quite knowing if the people around you would be warm and loving or tense and uncomfortable.

It’s Not You

If you feel like you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting” to holiday planning, please hear this: You’re not too much. Your nervous system is doing its job. It’s trying to protect you based on what it learned was necessary for survival.

The stress you feel isn’t a character flaw. It’s not evidence that you’re ungrateful or difficult. It’s your body’s way of saying, “Hey, I need some support here. This situation historically hasn’t felt safe for me.”

Once you understand what’s happening in your body, you can start to work with it instead of against it.

A Simple Practice: Holiday Humming

Here is a quick, surprisingly powerful tool to calm your nervous system in the moment. It’s especially perfect for the holidays.

Why it works: Humming activates your vagus nerve, which is like the brake pedal for your stress response. It literally signals to your body, “We’re safe. We can relax.”

How to do it:

1. Think of your favorite holiday song, anything that feels comforting or joyful to you

2. Close your eyes (or soften your gaze)

3. Take a gentle breath in through your nose

4. As you exhale, hum the melody of your song, any part of it, even just a few notes

5. Feel the vibration in your chest, throat, and face

6. Repeat for 5-10 breaths, or longer if it feels good

You can do this anywhere: in your car before walking into a family gathering, in the bathroom during a tense dinner, or in bed when your mind won’t stop spinning. Your body doesn’t need a complete meditation practice; sometimes just 60 seconds of humming is enough to shift you from “on edge” to “I can handle this.”

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Your nervous system isn’t your enemy. It’s been trying to keep you safe this whole time. And now that you understand what it needs, you can offer it the compassion and support it’s been asking for all along. 💛

I am off to take my own advice as I navigate my own holiday stressors. Currently humming, “The First Noel.”