Why Your Brain Freaks Out After You Get Vulnerable (And How to Fix It)
6 steps to beat a vulnerability hangover and ground your nervous system.
My stomach tightened and my heart raced as I clicked publish on last week’s essay, “Not Fine, Thanks.” In a split second, my deeply vulnerable emotional experience jumped out from my tender heart and landed onto your screen.
My intention for the article was grounded in modeling the exact vulnerability I encourage in my clients, and, most importantly, to help you feel less alone in whatever pain you’re holding inside.
However, unsurprisingly, my inner child came out screaming, waking me up at 4 AM the next day, full of anxious fears about who would read the essay, what others would think, or whether we would ultimately feel more alone by telling our story out loud.
Cue the vulnerability hangover!
As I sat with my cinnamon-flavored coffee on the couch the next morning, watching my toddler build a colorful train out of blocks, I took some long, deep breaths and got curious about those middle-of-the-night fears. It took a sec, but I found a way to quell the fears and stop the vulnerability hangover from taking over my weekend.
I know you’ve felt the vulnerability hangover, too. You know that time you shared something very intimate with a friend, then immediately spiraled, wondering if you shared “too much” or if they were judging you when you got home? I totally get it!
No wonder you might avoid being vulnerable with others at all…
If you’re ready to release the inner chaos that ensues when you want to feel close to someone, yet feel scared to get too close, you’re not alone. Stick with me here, I’m going to walk you through the process of dealing with the dreaded vulnerability hangover without letting it scare you back into feeling small.
The Vulnerability Hangover
What is it?
A vulnerability hangover is a sudden rush of shame or regret after exposing your authentic emotions to others. It’s the immediate fear that your authentic self, without the protective masks you learned to wear in order to feel safe with others, will be rejected and abandoned. Yikes! Not a great feeling, huh?
Let me say more about why this happens.
Why Your Brain is Totally Freaking Out
You Learned Vulnerability Was a Threat
If you identify as the “good kid” or a people-pleaser, you have a lifelong experience of adapting and hiding certain parts of yourself in order to feel safely connected to others.
Maybe you had a parent who was quick to anger, or one who withdrew from you with the silent treatment when upset, so you learned to be quiet, small, “good,” and helpful to try and keep their mood regulated. You learned to scan the room for safety and adjust yourself accordingly.
You probably never learned to say what you were really thinking and feeling out loud. It was never modeled for you as something that could feel safe and lead to more connection.
For funsies, let’s play out what it may have sounded like to tell a parent who had anger and rage issues how you felt growing up.
It could have gone something like this:
“Hey Dad, when you explode in anger, it makes me feel incredibly scared and unsafe. I wish you could calm down and just talk about your feelings instead of blowing up. That would make me feel so much more connected to you.”
If the thought of saying something like this makes you laugh because it would never fly with your parent, you learned that your vulnerability was a threat. You learned to fear that being honest could lead to more anger. More abandonment.
And truthfully, we hate that!
How to Squash The Vulnerability Hangover
It’s important to remember that the second you begin to feel the vulnerability hangover, your nervous system is working the way it was always designed to work—to keep you safe. Your healing challenge now is not to take these feelings as truth, but to gently take them in as information about what you and your inner child need in that moment.
Here are the six steps that helped me through:
#1: Ground Your Body
Take those deep, grounding breaths into your belly and exhale. If deep breaths don’t work for you, find a way to engage in gentle movement like stretching or taking a walk.
#2: Repeat This Mantra
I am safe to share my truth. I deserve to be received with care and compassion.
#3: Reach for the Most Compassionate Thought You Can Access
Ask yourself, “How was I being brave in sharing what I did?” Journal on that question. You can even picture yourself as a child and talk to her in a nurturing tone, giving her the reassurance and affirmation she needs.
#4: Remind Yourself that Their Response (Or Lack of One) Is Not Your Responsibility
If someone responds poorly to your vulnerability, or if they do not respond at all, return to #2 and remind yourself that you deserve nothing less than to have your vulnerability received with care and compassion.
If they cannot offer that to you, it is because something is being activated in them, and it is their responsibility to tend to that feeling.
And unfortunately, you will likely have to process the grief for those individuals who do not have the ability to connect with you on the level you deserve.
Find your safe people who make you feel wrapped in a hug, no matter what you share with them.
#5: Remember—Warm & Cozy Relationships Require True Authenticity
I always tell my clients this: the healthiest relationships are not without conflict; they trust in repair. We are human. Our relationships will inevitably have conflict, or at the very least, moments of tension and resentment.
The key to making your relationships feel warm and cozy is the ability to talk vulnerably and honestly about how you feel, without fearing that your truth will end the relationship.
The trust you have in connected conflict, which will inevitably lead to repair, is everything. It’s been one of the most healing aspects of my own journey.
Have you ever had a vulnerability hangover? How did you move through it?
Share below in the comments!